Thursday, December 31, 2009

Janus' Annual Visit

For those of you who are regulars to this infinitesimal corner of the universe, you know I have a motto which developed on this day in 2005.

Go Forward.

What does it mean? At the very least, it is to not regress, lose ground, or acquiesce what I want to become. At its core, it is to progress, grow, mature.

It is now four years later. I ask myself the question which candidates for political office sometimes pose to the voting public. It is the one quiery which begs for an answer.

Am I better off now than I was then?

Right now, I really don't know what the best answer is. Being my harshest critic (unlike the advise from "Desiderata"), I also realize I have to have a balance between what is going well and what room for improvement is needed. But, as a priest had pointed out to me once in the Sacrament of Reconciliation, my honesty is my salvation.

While I have never experienced the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola, I understand one of the foundations is to be sincerely honest while looking into your soul. That I seem to do well. And so, with the final hours of 2009 passing, what do I see?

As with all of us, a mixed bag of results.

The blessings given by God to me in the form of challenges the past 48 months have been received in various degrees. I would be foolish to say I am the same as I was back then. I have changed. There has been the good, the bad, and the unresolved (and sometimes all three at once). It is still being sorted; puzzle pieces are not yet in place. I cannot say which way the scale is tipped.

Yet, we all live with uncertainty. Nothing is finished or final until our last day. Like the Parable of the Rich Man's Harvest (Luke 12:16-21), beware when we think we have got it made.

At times it seem I am back at square one. My search for meaningful, consistent, gainful employment is just about at a standstill. My prayer life is as dry as the desert. There is just a underlying feeling of unease about my life.

So, where do I go?

There is only one answer:

"Come to Me...."

And isn't that what it really means to Go Forward?