Pun(dant)

The following were sent to me a long time ago. I have made some minor edits to them. These are so bad you have to wonder why I kept them:

1. Two vultures board an airplane. Each was carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen; only one carrion per passenger allowed."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank. This proves once again you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she says to her husband, "I wish I had a picture of Ahmal as well."

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A monistary was behind on their belfry payments. They decided to open a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down. They would not.

He went back later and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they finally did.

The moral of the story? Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you may or may not know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. With his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. There was this 'blogger who posted ten different puns, hoping at least one of the puns would make his readers laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.