Getting On My Feet

"Go Forward. Be Bold."

"Reclaim me."

"Amen."

They were the final words of my personal year-end review last year. As of today, while the pain of what happened in 2023 is still there (and probably will haunt me for the rest of my life), 2024 has done much to reduce it. God has lead me to restful waters and is refreshing my body as well as my soul. The past twelve months have been a time of adjustment and revival, probing and questioning, dreaming and hoping.

It is time for me to put a bow on 2024. This year's review won't be as lengthy or detailed as last year. But it will highlight some of the things I have done to make the first three sentences more of a reality.

Solid Footing

The stability of shelter and employment put an end to the stress which cause me to lose, when it was all said and done, 50 pounds of weight (I am now between 175 and 180 pounds). The three inches off my waistline is also still a feature of a more svelte figure.  The challenge is now to maintain this weight, moderate my appetite, and adopt a more healthy diet. One of the benefits my employer has are registered dieticians available for consultation. It is time to set an appointment with the person assigned to my store.

While I am figuratively working to get back on my feet, I am also literally as well. Foot callouses, causing me a great deal of pain, finally forced me to see a podiatrist in June. Not only do I have that problem, I also have a bunion. A prescription strength topical cream, new shoes with a cloth-based upper, and a set of orthotics have been part of my daily routine. Progress has been made in alleviating this issue.

What's In My Wallet

I have often made the comment regarding my financial acumen that I have done so much with so little for so long I can do anything with nothing forever. Obviously, the greatest blessing I have received is a steady, consistent stream of income from my current occupation. Along with now being a substitute crossing guard and the summer work at the amusement park (where I completed my tenth year there),  2024 will be year where I have earned the most money ever in my life. (In regards to that statement, I have no one to blame but myself for being in that state. While the poor we will have always, I have no excuses for being broke.)

I have a different set of priorities now in terms of stewardship. I can easily meet my expenses, including now being able to consistently support my parish in a small manner. I can now focus on settling debts, repaying people for the acts of financial kindness they have shown me throughout my life. I know who they are and what amount I owe. It is my take on what St. Paul wrote to the Roman (cf. 13:7-8).

Psyche Repair

Am I a bruised reed or a smoldering wick?

Yes.

As I wrote last year:

But it is my inner being which has been shaken to its very core. My psyche feels battered, bruised, bloodied, broken. All types of doubts and fears seem to be haunting me even more than usual, even as I start to dream again. The trauma of the past twelve months has made me ask if I need mental health therapy. While prayer will be the cornerstone, I wonder if counseling wouldn't be a worthwhile idea.

Yes.

A business card I found in the vestibule of the church in March has led me to someone who I am now seeing. We meet on average of about once a month, with the strong encouragement to journal between sessions. We are delving into issues of self-esteem and confidence I have needed to explore for a long time; what happened to me in 2023 only opened those wounds again. A solid foundation has been and is being established; I am gently but firmly being challenged to confront those fears I have. What is also helpful is we can also use the commonality of our Catholic faith, to bring God even more into this process.

To be continued--the counseling and the healing.

An Update

How is Catherine Garcia doing?

Glad you asked.

Unfortunately, her progress has taken a somewhat serious downward turn. While her tumor is still in remission, she began to have issues with her balance and strength, resulting in falling more. She was struggling to care for herself and maintain some semblance of independence. She was moved into a long-term care facility in May, where she currently resides. I visit her once a week and note there has been some improvement, but not nearly enough to allow her back home. She is still determined, however, to overcome this setback as well.

And, yes, I still pray for her complete recovery.

A Work In Progress

Growth only happens with change; yet, change does not represent growth. There are things in my life which have noticeably improved for the better and others for which the needle has barely moved. Metanoia is a process, whether it be spiritual or in other aspects of life.

The best barometer I have of how well I am doing is my posture, something I have struggled with all my life. I have somewhat rounded shoulders and have my weight balanced more over the balls of my feet rather than my heels. This is my baseline. If I am physically or psychologically stressed, the slouch is more pronounced, as if I am trying to hide. If I am conscious of this state of presenting myself, whether neutral or negative, I work at fighting back by standing taller; it is also the same if I have a sense of wholeness. That needs to become natural and normal. 

I have taken a few small steps; I have "miles to go". Hopefully I get there "before I sleep". 

God is not finished with me, yet.

And neither am I.

More of the same for next year; only, and always, getting better.