Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Last Day's Last Word

If you are any kind of regular visitor to my infinitesimal corner of the universe, you may recall I have two sentences I use frequently to give a broad description of the happenings in my life.  One is, "The status quo is status quo," meaning nothing has really changed. The other is, "Go Forward," a motto I have adopted almost since the beginning of this 'blog as a source of focus and motivation. Obviously with the latter there is always the opportunity to compare and contrast where you were at a specific "then" and "now". How fitting on the final day of 2014 I chose to do that.

As for the state of my state, the status quo is status quo. While opportunities have come and gone the past twelve months (most of them going without any mention of their leaving), I can take comfort in the fact I am still willing to battle. A long time ago a distant cousin once mentioned to me I wasn't a quitter. While I may be more selective in my skirmishes, it still holds true. The vast majority of the frustration is found in the lack of progress in securing a full-time job and the reluctant acceptance of the "don't call us, we'll call you" attitude of whoever does the hiring. When it comes to the job search, silence is deadly. Sometimes, you can't "Go Forward" unless you are invited.

At times, this makes me wonder if God has abandoned me on this cross. The cry of my soul saying, "What do You want" grows louder with each passing moment, hopefully not creating a white noise which does not allow me to listen to the reply. Discouragement is one step removed from despair, which is one step away from sloth. That is definitely not "Going Forward".

Yet, I do realize I have been blessed. I am longing for Heaven while still here on Earth and not some "where" else. My prayer life, while still spotty, is still there. The injunction to "pray and work" is still a grace I embrace and need to more. Perhaps I need to find better soil for the seeds to be planted.

I am in a position of having an open hand and not a closed fist. There is comfort without being comfortable. Filled, but still hungry. Having, but still wanting. The Augustinian restlessness, both spiritually and materially, is here.

So, what do I do in 2015.

What else?

"Go Forward."

The status quo, with the help of God, will be a different status quo.

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